James Robson's Blog

Winter cometh.

noreply@blogger.com (James Robson) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 22:20:00 +0000

Hmm. Winter is rolling in fast, and right on cue my seasonal introspection is rolling in. There's something about this time of year; the death of the last world and the beginning of the new, to invoke the ancients, which instills within me a certain feeling. In some ways, I feel less alone this time of year- the world is cold and dying, in Britain at least, but we're together. Summer... it's all too true that the loneliest place in the world is in the middle of crowds. At this time of year, it's easier to remember everyone's a person.

I like to revel in insignificance, to gaze up at the skies and to look at things like the APOD... how could anyone ever think we matter in any way. We're fleshly shells of carbon compounds eking out existence on a cold rock dangerously flung round a nuclear furnace, one of many millions of rocks out there in the cold dark universe. And that's /beautiful/.

As of late I'm finding it easier to relate to people, not just to talk to them but to have conversations with them. In some ways, it's sad that the one thing I cannot do- healthily interact with people- is the one thing I want to do the most, but maybe it's not so weird. Things like maths, sciences, the acedemiac things that makes up most of my existence... I've always done them. And they're great. But I could never truly belive in them totally for their own sakes, because I am human and we are a social ape. The trouble is, the worst part of life is the impermeable barrier between /you/ and /the rest/. You can never join minds as one, you are stuck behind your own plastic interpretation of the world, a PVC prison, clear as day but as tactile as a sheet of lead. It's horrible to think that I will never get someone else to see the world as I see it; I can try my utmost, but to know me is not to be me. And so I feel alone. And so we, as a species, feel alone. We try out utmost not to be... but I fear we are.

I wonder, sometimes, about people, and how we classify the relationships between us. I was privy to a frankly ridiculous conversation about the distinctions between "friends with benefits", "going out", "seeing each other", "dating" et al on Friday. I, quite literally, facepalmed. This obsession with nomenclature is a predominant attitude amoung, well, everything humanity does. But it's especially obvious in how we define our interactions with each other. Look, for instance, at the gay marriage row over in California. I've talked with people, sane people, who are absoloutely fine with gay marriage rights, as long as it's noit called "marriage". They've said, clear as day, that if the difference is in name only then that's fine, but if they are identical in everything this is wrong. Shakespeare, where are you now; tell us again of roses and of their natures.

Should people be discouraged from this endless naming? No, it gives them something to do, I suppose. But it seems bizarre... in any sane world, there would be clear cut definitions of everything and that would be fine. Haha! I've just realized- I'm falling into the same trap. For why are definitions necessary at all; why can they not just fall by the way said? Surely it is the doing, not the being, which is more important? Why does everything need metadata? I echo here a sentiment of Terry Pratchetts, that 9/10 of the universe is undetectable because it is doing the paperwork for the other 1/10. We ascribe so much to everything, we create this panoply of things and meanings around it all, we create stories for the world, stories like "fairness" and "equality" and "rights" and "love" and "freedom" and we call it being human. And it is wonderful. This, then, is the point to all the nomenclature: it's just another search for meaning, by creating it out of whole cloth.

I think the problem is, once you've seen this, once you realise what you're doing at look directly at the metadata of the universe, it all seems like so much spidersilk. I always feel like an outsider, because that's what I am, a misfit. The trip outside is one-way, the brightness outside the cave overwhelming yet freeing, and yet sometimes I wish I could re-chain my mind. To not think like this, to not over-analyze my analysis of anything, recursion after recursion after recursion... it would be good. To be able to love and lose and not care, and not notice, and just be... yeah. I'd like that. But then, I fear, I wouldn't be me. I'd be someone totally different in every way. And nobody wants that... well, probably not.

TL;DR version of this post: wintertime gives me extreme introspection and I am silly about it.

If you managed to get all through all that and didn't hang yourself or go off to do something rather more /fun/, well done. Leave a comment or something; it'd be nice to know the plastic barriers aren't that thick.

Ponderings.

noreply@blogger.com (James Robson) — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 20:17:00 +0000

Lately I have been considering sex and sexuality (sounds like a lost Jane Austen novel): namely, the pervasive attitudes to these things, especially within teenagers and my age group.

Theoretically, I am "out of the closet" about being gay: however, I don't think I've even mentioned it to anyone in my entire school career so far. Why is this? I don't fear bullying, which probably would occur, because I don't need to care about anyone retarded enough to tease someone about that. While that'd be a worry, it's not my main reason.

I think the main reason is the general taboo on talk of sex and environs in conversation. You cannot bring it up: if it does come up, it rarely lasts long in a conversation. There seems a sad state of things when the topic of the weather can provoke a conversation of greater depth and thought than a conversation about sex and sexuality, which is really quite an important one.

Let's get one thing straight. Sex is not odd, base, perverse, strange, in any real way (special cases may appear so, but these are exceptions). It's a normal human activity, in many ways: of course, like any activity, there are those who do not engage in it, by choice or by genetics. But even then there is still a topic of conversation: atheism is something which you can discuss just as much as you can theism: so to asexuality.

Human sexuality is fascinating. It is so hard to pin down in any one way, that inevitably whenever a way is found people rush to it e.g. gender preference. For sexuality is not just what attracts you and how much. It is an entire geography of things, and it is nigh-impossible to pidgeonhole in any way.

Why can this not be discussed? Why is this not a topic for debate? (Perhaps not formal debate, heh, but I mean in a more general sense). What, really, is funny about the word penis? Peeeeeenis. Penis. Paninay. Vayjayjay. These are words with normal meanings and yet even typing them I get little taboo bells in my head. Why? What is this aversion to sexuality as a topic of public discussion? Between friends, perhaps, whispered things in little ways: and indeed for personal and specific things, this is probably best. But in a more general case why is a more general conversational approach not valid?

What it comes down to, I suppose, is me wondering why we seems to have an inbuilt approach at avoiding the subject, a aversion I share: I would find it hard to express all these words in public. At the most, I'd still be giggling at the word vajayjay. It's interesting that this aversion exists, and I wonder on the reason for it.

On a related but more bloggy note, October 11th is National Coming Out Day: I hope to get hold of a little rainbow wristbandy thing before this time, because really, if I cannot bring up the courage to apply the general case then, when can I?

Off subject completely, am very annoyed at my lack of Exalted: Friendly Local Book Shoppe, you have failed me! This is why you don't order gaming books from anything other than FLGS and Amazon: because most people have no idea what a gaing book is, let alone how to get one. Luckily next Wednesday is only chargenning so I don't need my book: dammit, it would have been useful though.

noreply@blogger.com (James Robson) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 09:56:00 +0000

Predictions:

Latin: A/A*
RE: A*/A
Maths: A*
English Literature: A
Biology: A*/A
English Language: A*/A
History: A
Chemistry: A*/A
Physics: A/A*

Actual:

Latin: A
RE: A*
Maths: A*
English Literature: A
Biology: A*
English Language: A*
History: A*
Chemistry: A*
Physics: A*

And iPRO is provisionally passed, but not validated yet.

FUCK YEAH. WOOO!

Can't belive I got A* in History, am still buzzing.

Gotta go.

Exams over; predictions ahead.

noreply@blogger.com (James Robson) — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 08:28:00 +0000

Okay, so I'm going to go through the rest of my subjects like a did last time, and produce predictions for them.

Maths:
-Yeah, I did this last time; however, I have since done my calculator paper. Which was easy. This subject's pretty much an A* now, I'm fairly certain.

So, A* is my overrall prediction, if I also consider my prediction last time. This is exactly on target.

English Language
-First exam went okay- wrote quite a lot, and I think it was enough to get me the A*. Exam was fairly easy, just a bit of comprehension and then an explaining piece- went a bit OTT again, but it was okay. A* for this section, I think- maybe A.
-Second exam went slightly worse, not too much though- was a little unsure of my creative writing for this part as I feel I didn't perhaps focus properly. Did go fairly well though- prediction, A or A*- probably A.
-Coursework I think is an easy A* here- I got an A* in all of my coursework for language, I think. Almost definitely an A*.

So, rounding down, it's an A, rounding up, it's an A*- in total therefore, it's an A*/A, and that's my prediction.

History
-First exam went quite well- however I rushed teh last question and accordingly I feel I may have slipped marks here. Unfortunately, the mark scheme is brutal- ergo, this is pretty definitely an A.
-Second exam went better, but not all the way better, and I think I may have skipped in some of the facts todo with the Roaring Twenties. Accordingly, this is also probably an A.
-Coursework was an A.

It's fairly clear, therefore, that have gained an A in GCSE History. That's my prediction.

Chemistry
-In C1a and 1b, I got an A*. So, that's an A* for the first third of this. I know this already.
-In my ISA, I got an A* as well.
-The first of the two chemistry exams was hard- pretty tricky calculations and think I may have slipped up explaining some things. Still, the marks are normally pretty leniant- this could be an A, could be an A*- not sure.
-In C3, I'm fairly sure I got an A*- leniant exams coupled with a confidence in most of my answers mean I reckon I've done well.

Overall, therefore, probably an A*, maybe, MAYBE, an A. But probably an A*.

Physics
-Got full marks in P1a and P1b. SO an A* there.
-ISA I got an A- pretty good,certainly something to "bank".
-P3 I got an A, just below an A*- coupled with my excellent performane in P1 and I'm averaging A* for my exams.
-P2 went great- ansered all the questions fully and I think, well- EXCEPT< the last one, where I forgot to turn the page and missed half the question,I found out later. As I say, the amrkscheme is leniant- but I reckon I'll have got an A instead of an A* here.

Conclusion is reverse of Chemistry- A, maybe MAYBE and A*, depends how much else I got wrong on the Physics paper- but an A* is possible.

Round-up of predictions (from both posts):
Latin: A/A*
RE: A*/A
Maths: A*
English Literature: A
Biology: A*/A
English Language: A*/A
History: A
Chemistry: A*/A
Physics: A/A*

Now, that'd certainly be a nice lot of GCSE results indeed. Very much so. I'll have to wait and see!

Parties, players, and pkeyboards

noreply@blogger.com (James Robson) — Sat, 31 May 2008 13:43:00 +0000

Well, revision has been going quite well; however, I did absolutely none yesterday. This was for a number of reasons.

Firstly, I'd got to sleep at 5 AM, having gone to a party the night before- my friend Suzy's. It was very fun- I didn't know too many of the people there, but I'm good friends with her boyfriend, James, so I wasn't totally stuck for people to talk to. We played Rock Band- it's like Guitar Hero, except it's got drums and vocals as well as bass and... whatever the main guitar is called. Tenor? I have no idea. I failed miserably, mainly because i have no sense of rhythm and the drums are HARD. I'm okay at the guitar bits, they're more like a traditional rhythm game in the way that they walk- I was hilariously bad at the singing. In retrospect I probably wasn't drunk enough, as it's definitely something you need to not have any self-consciousness to enjoy. It was enjoyable though.

The original plan had been to put a bunch of tents up and sleep outdoors, but they only got as far as putting one up before the rain started, so in the end we all stayed indoors. At one point we managed to get everyone inside, but it was hilariously uncomfortable.

At around 12, the people who weren't staying left, and I had a go at Portal, the game. This is fantastically fun, incredibly bizarre, and technically wonderful. It's essentially a First-Person Puzzler, in that you only have one guns, and it shoots portals. Two kinds! Perpetual motion for the win! I OWNED the second law of thermodynamics. Okay, so I couldn't get past the fourth puzzle. The point is, it was completed in the end by at least one person- it's quite short, anbout two hours long. The ending is wonderful though.

So at around 2 AM went to bed, but didn't sleep for ages, just talking and that.

Woke up at 8, having got 3 hours sleep. James gave me a lift back to my dad's, though I just popped to the Post Office to collect my new mp3 player, of which I have previously written. When I got to Dad's, I found my new keyboard (which my dad bought half of because he wanted me to adopt a more healthy typing position- go concern!) had also arrived. Didn't have time to play with them, though, because after I'd had a shower, we went out for a family outing all day.

My stepsis was a little grouchy at points, but all in all it was fun, scrambling over rocks and that, and then we spent 2 hours building a wooden shelter thing in the woods. So it was fun. Went to a pub near the car park for dinner, had scampi and chips- small portions, but very delicious. Played a game of pool, lost miserably. When we finally got back to the house, it was half 8.

So then I spent the next 3 hours fiddling with my mp3 player and keybaord getting them to work. The keyboard needed new batteries, the ones that came with it not functioning correctly, though the included mouse was fine. They're wireless, so that's good, but not bluetooth, thankfully, because that can be a little buggy on Linux. However, I haven't got any use out of the special function keys on it, for the simple reason that they're a monster to configure in Linux and i don't really need them. Keyboard works great, nicely "clicky" which is always good.

MP3 player took rather longer to configure, as predicted I had MTP issues. Actually, Feisty is meant to support them out of the box, but I believe that's where my problem lay- as I had upgraded instead of fresh installing, the revelent permissions files hadn't been installed properly. Essentially, only root could detect the player. I found a new config file on the internet, put it in, player worked like a dream. Music transferred, slowly- video I only got to work today because it needed converting specially. The sound is great, the case and screen protector work excellently (though there's a small speck of dust trapped between the protector and the screen- can't remove it. Ah well, it's as near to damn perfect as I require.

So, I am now going to revise revise revise today, had a lie in so I'm raring to go! Yay! Break for Doctor Who tonight though- meant to be the best episode yet, as I can believe because, well, Moffet!

Sadly couldn't go to Fruit Bowl yesterday, as I had to go on that outing. Ah well. Going next week, most definitely.

Right. Yes. Revision.

New stuff is mine.

noreply@blogger.com (James Robson) — Sun, 25 May 2008 18:45:00 +0000

Well, about two months ago, it was my birthday. I got, mainly, a lot of cash- which has been since sitting in my bank, furthering the capitalist system- though not by much, it's the Co-op Bank. Still, such reasonable use of my money angered me, so yesterday I bought a new MP3 player.

It's a Creative Zen 16GB- this is quite a good make, and I didn't want to get an iPod because, well, they're pretty costly and I'm on Ubuntu anyway so no iTunes for me. Zens work by using MTP, which is Media Transfer Protocol- it's designed for Windows, but, of course, it works with Linux. The player, a screen protector, a case, and a totally unrelated book all sum to £127- a very nice deal. They should all arrive in about a week- pretty decent.

The book is "Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell", which is a book I keep seeing referred to as being good, my kind of thing, so I went ahead and bought it.

Should get another book soon- "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", which a friend has ordered off Amazon for me as a late birthday present. Recommended to me by Sean, I am quite looking forward to reading it as it sounds very interesting.

Hee! New stuff! Woo!

Additionally, Summer is coming and Woodcraft events with them. Verre verre excited.

Halfway done!

noreply@blogger.com (James Robson) — Wed, 21 May 2008 19:07:00 +0000

So: my exams are now halfway over, some of the biggest ones in terms of revision are out of the way, so I'm going to do a breakdown of how I think I'm doing so far in each subject.

Latin:
-Translation went okay- not brilliant by any means, totally flubbed some bits-but I did that in my trial and got an A in that section, so who knows? I reckon I've got either a high B or low A here.
-Poetry comprehension went wonderfully- the bit that came up I knew tip-top pretty much perfect: as a result, this, which I was very worried about failing completely, has been one of my best exams so far. I got a few bits a tiny bit wrong, but that's a few marks out of 60- not a worry. Prediction here- A*, maybe A if I've done much worse than I think, but that's unlikely.
-Prose comprehension didn't go quite as well as the poetry, but it went better than the translation and there's a lot of easy marks to mop up here. Pretty much a good, solid A.
-Coursework is A*, I reckon- I know it's at least 80% and it's very likely to be more.

So: final prediction for Latin? My reckoning is: A, a high-ish A, maybe an A* if I'm lucky.

RE:
-This went pretty well; I felt I answered erery question fully, logically, and effectively. However, the mark scheme here is brutal thanks to a combination of paired marking and a 90% grade boundary. Still, it did go well- A* but that's not a definite, maybe A.

RE there's only the one exam, so final prediction is an A*, possibly an A if I've flubbed some questions, but I thought I managed to do okay on this regard.

Maths:
-The first Unit, the coursework, I got an A* in, way back in Y9. Can't remember too much more details right now though.
-The first exam, which I retook recently, I got a solid A* in- it probably won't compensate for a lower A, but it certainly won't pull my average down.
-Stat. coursework- my only A, a high A, and this is only 10% of the course.
-Stat. exam- got a A*, eesay, which provides an average of an A* in Stat. overall- but it's all modular, and the Y11 exams are 50% of the course.
-Non-Calc. went amazingly. Surgically, which is when you are so sure of the answers that you could get any mark you want just by surgically answering the answers. I am 99% sure that's an A*, and possibly full marks if it went as well as I think.

So, for Maths, I still have the Calc. paper to do. However, I really only need a high B to still get an A* here. If I do even close to as well as I think Non.Calc went, definite A*. So, that's my prediction for that.

English Literature:
-Not sure about coursework here, as I'm not sure which ones were English and which ones were English Literature. I got mostly A*, but I got an A in Under Milk Wood which will be literature, so I'll say an A for coursework.
-The exam went solid, not super amazing style but pretty damn good all the same. I hate these interpretation questions because there are no answers, really, but I did my best and used my extra time to my full advantage. I'll say an A, though, to err on the side of caution.

That means a solid A for English Literature, which reflects well my interest in the subject. Fingers crossed an A*, but I doubt it.

Biology:
-B1a/B1b were both nearly full mark A*'s. Not sure what it is in UMS but it won't be too low. This is an A* here, and a high-ish one at that.

-B3 I know exactly, 92 UMS marks, A*, but a low one. I can't count on this pulling up my mark much but it's there and done, which is the main thing.

-B2 I did today. It went... alright, I guess. I think I may have gotten my plant minerals confused and I had no time to go back and check any of it- however, ultimately, the grade boundaries are very nice here- I need to lose 12 marks to get an A, which I'm fairly sure I haven't done. So, I'll say A*, but I'm not absolutely sure of this.

Overall then, in Biology, an A*, I'm fairly certain, a low one, maybe a high A if I did very bad today, but I reckon I did alright. So, A*.

Round-up of estimates:
Latin: A/A*
RE: A*/A
Maths: A*
English Literature: A
Biology: A*/A

Which is pretty much on target so far. These are just estimates- no way of telling till August. I may cry then, I may laugh- I'll certainly compare this post to my actual results.

Doublethink, Or, Hypocrisy's okay if you really mean it.

noreply@blogger.com (James Robson) — Sat, 17 May 2008 17:48:00 +0000

Pondering things today on my worldview, or distinct lack of a coherent one thereof.

For someone who ascribes to logic the utmost importance, I don't respect it much when it comes to thinking about gelling views together. An example:

I was talking the other day to Sean about his "nth-wave" philosophical idea. At it's core, more or less, it says that "Just because you can't think of any argument that refutes a claim at knowledge doesn't mean there isn't one." Now, I pretty much agree here. (An interesting aspect of this is that it in itself doubts itself.)

However, I was then talking about the way you have to ignore this for some things. Sean's recently been disillusioned by science, Physics in specifics, I suppose because of this basic problem of knowledge and proof. But I, regrettably, see no problem here. I see the two thing on completely separate levels: OK, yes, we can't prove anything. But let's pretend we can. What then? And so on.

I feel I have failed somewhat to fully set out my feelings here. Essentially, viewing the world in this way, layered, not caring about the implications of the foundations being non-existent and continuing to pretend as if they do exist, and are made of granite: it takes a certain detachment from the world. Is this healthy? I'm not sure... it's fun though!

I think the best metaphor I have for this way of thinking is like viewing the world as a toy. Like a Rubik's Cube, but every face is a different puzzle, and they're all fractal-shaped- you can get lost in the intricate details of one part while ignoring the rest of the whole- or, if you choose, you can regard the whole. Does it even exist? Can we prove it? No matter- the toy is fun anyway.

So yes... that's pretty much what I think. As you can see, it's a little incoherent. But then, that's how I began.

Xanga Featured Question: What good things have happened to you lately?

noreply@blogger.com (James Robson) — Thu, 15 May 2008 18:42:00 +0000

Well, this seems as a good a place as any to start of my bloggin': with a generic question! Yay!

Well now; what good things HAVE happened to me lately...

I'll do this in reverse chronological order.

Firstly, today, I ACED my Latin Verse exam. For those not in the know, I was shitting bricks about this, to turn a phrase. (DAMN YOU, 4Chan!) This is due to my inability to learn things by rote, being more of an organic learner. HOWEVER: the two sections of Book 4 of Virgil's Aeniad that came up in the exam were, by chance, the two bits which I absolutely knew SOLID. So I coudl do every question EASY AS FIDDLE. Which made me very very happy.

RE, two days ago. Also quite an easy exam. The combination of that and Latin has made me feel very confident about the exam season ahead, though I still have some doubts.

Last Saturday, I purchased an excellent book on Philosophy, which is sort of disguised as a children's adventure novel. As befits a book on philosophy, the main plot twist is so bloody weird it makes a twisted kind of sense. :P

Now now now... what else good has been happening. I can now use the climbing wall at Virgin Active, meaning with that and roller-skating I probably won't survive past my 21st birthday, if that. He he he. Helmets are /optional/. I did have to sign a waiver form though...

On the subject of the gym, I've now started going regularly every Thursday. Need to build the muscles what what, and much more importantly make sure I can run more than a few meters without dying. I'm exaggerating, of course, but I would like to get more aerobic fitness and what not. Ooh, look at me with the posh words. Translation: out of breath less.

Now... not much else really good has happened. I mean, things have been dandy, don't get me wrong, but nothing stellar...

Ah! Yes, I suppose. About... a month ago now, I suppose, more or less, I came out to my parents. Wasn't a big dealio of any kind, they were fine with it, blah blah blah, but it's just nice to have done it. Bit of a weight off my chest and all that. On a related note I've started going to a youth group called Fruit Bowl on Fridays: this is quite fun, and having always complained that I do too little socialising this is an excuse to do just that. I sometimes wonder if it's weird that I'm not more bothered about being gay, but I suppose that it's not, mostly.

Generally, things have been looking up. Which is good. I'm excited about moving to Silverdale,of course, but that's out of the scope of the question, so it'll have to wait. Doing a lot more philosophic thinking recently, enough that people have been telling me to shut up about it, so that's always a good sign.

How do you end these things, anyway? Ah well. Peace out? I guess... maybe?